Do we need to justify every emotion?
If your partner or spouse looked at you and said, “I’m sad.” what would be your response?
Maybe:
“Why?”
”That’s out of nowhere.”
”There’s no reason to be sad.”
I have this memory from my teaching days that surfaces every so often. I had a child in my classroom who was constantly launching into tantrums. On one particular day, he had a sudden outburst and began to cry and bang his fists on his desk. I remember getting down on my knees next to his desk and gently, quietly saying to him, “now, is there any reason for you to be crying right now?” I was doing the best I knew how, but now I know that asking him to justify his emotions was so invalidating. I was unconsciously teaching him that in order to express himself, he had to have a reason. And worse than that? It had better be a “good” one; a reason I agreed with.
What a rollercoaster that is. And it’s one we ALL experience. What makes a “good” reason (aka appropriate, acceptable) varies depending on the setting, circumstances and person/people you’re interacting with, which is incredibly confusing. As children, we are constantly either being negatively or positively reinforced for our behavior and learning to act accordingly. We end up with these ridiculous “rules” for our emotions, cutting them off and pushing them down and only letting them be released when it’s for a widely acceptable occasion: death, break-up, losing a job…you probably have a subconscious mental check-list.
Maybe you’re sitting here reading this thinking, “well, what’s wrong with that?” My answer is in three parts:
1. It’s not “wrong,” per se
2. But it does cause you to hold on to SO MUCH ENERGETIC DENSITY
3. You’re probably ONLY expressing yourself when you get “permission” from someone else or become so full with stored emotional energy that you literally pop
And this is a whoooooole other discussion/blog but I’ll leave it here: you’re probably creating many of the situations that make you mad just to give yourself an excuse to feel all the anger you have stored within you. Eeeek. Yeah. I went there.
Let’s look at it a different way. If you only cleaned your house when you could no longer see the floors, you’d have one hell of a cleaning job to do. Most likely you’d clean a little but look around and think, “holy shit…” and give up (for now, you’d tell yourself). But what if you made a point to clean for 10 minutes every day or every couple of days, even when you didn’t necessarily see any mess? First, you would 100% find something (crumbs, cobwebs, dust..). Second, it would save you from having this never-ending mountain to climb. Third, you’d feel really clear and able to spend more time and energy doing what you wanted. THAT is how our bodies are designed to be treated.
If you only express yourself when you’re triggered, you’re trying to clean the house where you can’t see the floors.
-It feels good while you’re doing it
-It seems like you’re getting somewhere
-When you feel like you’re done there’s still another closet full of crap. And another. And another
-You might even decide to keep the mess just to have a reason to be mad
-It’s exhausting and defeating
Here’s a practice I do regularly, often in place of meditation:
Commit to sitting in stillness for 5-10 minutes.
See what comes up: thoughts, emotions, sensations, beliefs
Notice your response. If you find yourself trying to fight back tears or swallow down anger, give it space to come up.
GO WITH WHAT ARISES. Move with it.
Allow your body to naturally return to equilibrium (IT WILL).
Say thank you and give yourself some love.
Do it again. And again. And again.
At the end of this month, I’m going to be holding a 5 week workshop specific to those darker, more “off-limits” emotions we were never taught to validate or trust. Want in? Send an email to cosmickelseyhealing@gmail.com and I’ll send you the sign-up link before it goes live. I believe in this process wholeheartedly as it was birthed from my own personal experiences and practices. It has taken me to new depths in connection with myself, Spirit and partnership. I’d love to welcome you into that same depth with yourself.
