You’ve been using someone else’s rubric…

From age 5 or sometimes even earlier, we are taught to celebrate accomplishments that other people deem worthy. I recently caught myself saying “good job” to my 4 year old nephew and it hit me - I’m taking away his opportunity to decide what feels good to him. I was only saying that because someone said that to me. Someone let me know early on what they liked and what they didn’t, and I learned to act accordingly. I let go of my creativity and uninhibitedness in order to get more of those “good jobs.” They became like crack.

With my awareness fully present, I began to change the way I interacted with my nephew. Instead of saying, “good job,” I began to ask him what he thought. I asked questions about his choices when he created something. “Tell me about what you decided here. Tell me about the colors you’re using. Tell me about what you’re creating.” At first, all he could say was, “I don’t know.” My heart broke a little. He did know. But he’d already been taught that there was right and there was wrong. And he already felt the pain of being wrong. He didn’t want to be wrong again.

One morning he came in as I was pulling cards. Tarot and Oracle decks were sprawled out on the floor all around me. He was immediately interested and wanted to try. I gave him a quick lesson on intuition - he was so gleeful and excited to trust himself! He pulled a card. “What do you think?” I asked. He quickly said he didn’t know. So I invited him to describe what was on the card.

“Water. A mermaid.”

“What do you think that means?”

“I don’t know.”

“What might a card with a mermaid and water on it be trying to tell you?”

“I think…” he started, “I think it’s telling me to splash around in the water. To have fun.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. The words “good job” swelled up in my throat but I swallowed them down. “Wow, how do you feel about that message?”

“I feel happy,” he said.

“Where do you feel happy?”

“In my tummy.”

I felt happy in mine, too.

I want my sweet nephew to grow up wild and free. I want him to look at his creations with wonder and awe. I want him to feel curious and eager to explore - not scared to fail. I want him to see infinite opportunities - not perceive a million limitations. I want him to define success in his words. I want him to create his own rubric.

You’ve been using someone else’s rubric your entire life. You’ve been adhering to standards and expectations that someone else placed upon you. You’ve been using definitions that don’t resonate or lift you up or light a spark within you. And yeah - I get it. We need standards and rubrics to gauge whether or not someone is proficient and skilled enough to become a surgeon or a lawyer or a teacher. But what if we explained that to children and included instruction in self-trust? What if we taught them how to recognize their own inner spark? What if we encouraged their explorations of topics that made them glow? What if we asked them to point out where in their bodies they felt sensations? What if we asked questions instead of offering up “good jobs?” What if we noticed what colors they used in their drawing instead of whether the coloring was inside the lines? What if we noticed how big their smiles were and emphasized how important their joy is?

Despite what your ego might be telling you, it isn’t too late to change the way you live. And you can start here:
Does this bring me
1: No joy at all
2: Slight joy that I can barely notice
3: Joy that I cal feel 1 place in my body
4: Joy that glows or lights up several places inside my body
5: Joy that washes bright, glimmering light all throughout my body
6: Joy that is so overwhelming that I am brought to tears, laughter, and/or must get up and jump/dance around

Or better yet…make your own rubric :) xo